


breathing exercises

by realfakedoors



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, Gem Fusion, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, This might be the sofest thing I've ever written, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:26:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21794518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors
Summary: Volley, or Pink Pearl, is trying to adjust to life on Earth. Our Pearl is there to help.
Relationships: Pearl & White Diamond's Pearl (Steven Universe), Pearl/Volleyball, Pink Diamond's Pearl/Pearl
Comments: 22
Kudos: 148





	breathing exercises

**Author's Note:**

  * For [E350tb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/E350tb/gifts).



The name Volley, among other things, has taken some getting used to. 

She sits over the edge of Obsidian’s palm, taking in the briney air of ocean and dusty reflection of stars in the water’s expanse. Her legs dangle, waving slightly in the occasional impulse to adjust her limbs.

It has been five hours since she last moved.

She doesn’t really understand Earth yet, and it’s so difficult to learn when it feels like everyone is leagues ahead of her. She’s old, and these things take time. But it’s not natural. _She’s_ not natural, she realizes it more the longer she spends here.

The other gems, the humans—their smiles are so _uneven_. The curvature is too steep or too shallow, often lopsided, sometimes even open-mouthed and downright silly. She doesn’t know how to smile like that. A curve should follow a simple shape— _parabolic_ is a new word she learned from Peridot.

_Meditating can help you relax!_

That’s what Steven had said, so she’s trying. 

_Just breathe in and hold it for five seconds, and then let go for five seconds. They’re called breathing exercises. That’s how Garnet helped me and Connie._ Volley smiled and nodded and didn’t admit to Steven that she didn’t know what _breathing_ meant.

It is helping, with or without breathing, she thinks. It feels nice to slow down, to take things at her own pace—some days on earth exhaust her, and those spent with individuals like Amethyst or Bismuth tax on her even more. Truly, she likes them, it is just so different and she is so unused to their way of acting, their manner of speaking.

She doesn’t dislike Earth—the planet is fascinating at times. So many tools, so many means to reach the same end, so many people with houses and lives that they lead, no matter how short and unintentional. They accomplish so little on their own, but they have a sort of collective impact that gemkind lacks, shaping a single planet to suit their species. Where gems are interstellar imperialists, humans are domestic engineers, and the cohabitation of two so _unalike_ species is a marvel.

When she is with Pearl, things are easier. Pearl understands her in ways no one else can—not even Yellow Diamond or Blue Diamond’s Pearls. Well, that is— _Blue Pearl_ and _Yellow Pearl_. The ownership status is something she still needs to work on remembering. The point, rather, is that not even another Pearl who had belonged to a Diamond could understand the depth of being loved, and loving yourself, in the image of someone else’s shadow. A beautiful, mighty pink silhouette that had eclipsed them both. 

But she relies on Pearl too much. Pearl has diplomacy missions. She teaches classes. She sings, plays instruments, cleans and cooks and does it all _effortlessly._

Even accepting the new name Steven gave her takes effort. Volley. It’s nice, she enjoys the sound of it, the way it sits on her tongue and takes shape on her lips, but it doesn’t sound so sweet in her head, when she’s alone, like this.

It sounds better when Pearl says it, whispers it, holds her hand and tells her how it’s going to be okay. But she’s not okay. She wants so badly to be okay so that Pearl can do what she needs to do and she doesn’t want to rely on Pearl so much but she doesn’t know how to _not_ have someone tell her what to do— 

She moves her legs, just a tad, kicking them in the breeze. She counts to five. And counts down from five again. These are things she can do because she wants to. She chooses to sit alone and to move her legs, and she doesn’t need anyone to tell her.

 _Damaged, not broken._ It’s not her voice she hears, but Volley okay with that. It’s Pearl’s. 

A slight hum startles her, and she braces, muscles tensing up. It’s a gentle, melodic sound that is diaphanous and pacific, and she is able to identify it after just one single second, but it takes the length of that second for her to calm down again.

“Goodness, _there you are_ ,” Pearl huffs, her voice chastising and overflowing with relief, a combination which Volley finds amusing. “I’ve been looking for you all day!”

“I was meditating,” she explains, looking from the pale skin blue eyes that draw shivers to her spine, to the wide open horizon, dark and infinite. “Steven said it helps him.”

Letting out a sigh, Pearl sat beside her, legs bumping together as they overlooked the beach. “Well, what works for Steven might not necessarily work for you. How are you feeling? I haven’t seen you in hours, I was worried.”

With a bewildered lilt to her voice, Volley answers, “Why would you be worried? Earth is very safe. Perhaps the safest place in the universe anymore.”

“I wasn’t worried for that reason…” Pearl says, exasperate, and Volley feels an unpleasant twinge in her stomach. Did she do something wrong? She wanted to show Pearl that she was trying to learn to be independent, but it feels like she’s made a mistake.

Her hands ball to fists in her lap, an unconscious reaction. Self-analysing is all she has time for anymore and it is an easy, if not slippery, slope to end on. Was she doing this all wrong? Maybe being her own gem meant something else—maybe she needed to work, like all of those Quartzes, or maybe she would be better off back on Homeworld, out of the way—

“Hey,” Pearl says, voice barely audible over the ocean waves. Fingers rest atop her own, and before she realizes, they’re intertwined. For Volley, the action is always done a little clumsily, but it makes her chest feel light and airy, her gem prickling with nervous excitement to see the sight of their skin brushing up against the other. “Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

Blinking her eye, Volley looks to Pearl, her whole light-body tingling. The expression on her face is patient, a shine to her eyes that promises only kindness and compassion, one that Volley recognizes in her as the most serene sight in the world.

Before she can think, her mouth is moving, words falling out of her with a weight enough to bruise. “I… I am working to… be better. I am… _not broken_.” She raises a hand, covers her crack. “But I am not good at this. I feel like I am not good at anything. I don’t… mean that in a way to earn your sympathy. I simply am not good at anything. I was useful. Now I’m not.”

“Your worth is not tied to how useful you are,” Pearl tells her, squeezing her fingers together. Soft fingers brush against the curve of her ear, tucking a loose hair back into one of Volley’s buns, and she has to fight the urge to shiver at Pearl’s touch. “It’s something I still have to tell myself, it’s not like it’s natural to me. Your life has meaning, but if it might help you to tangibly _feel_ that, I’m sure Steven or the others could help you find something that gives you… hmm. Satisfaction. Amethyst is really good at that, actually.”

Embarrassment fuels her actions, and Volley hides part of her face in her free hand. As much as she appreciates Pearl’s suggestion, it would never work.

“Amethyst… I don’t know… how to talk with her… I know she would try but I don’t know how to…”

“Tell her no?” Pearl suggests, and Volley nods, still not meeting her eye. “That’s fair, Amethyst _does_ tend to come on a little strong. Steven might be a better fit to help then, he’s got a more… hmm, _soft_ touch.”

A little laugh slips out of the blue-eyed gem, and it causes Volley to go rigid. That sound. She loves that sound. It’s musical. It’s tempered and syrupy and it makes her feel like she’s been freshly reformed. Her face feels hot, and more than she can believe, she wants to fuse with Pearl right then. _Desperately._ To feel her confidence and hold her head up high, to take on the world with eye wide-open.

But she’s none of those things. She is damaged, not broken, and she’s not ready to live her life that brazenly yet.

Throat tight, she asks, “How do you… feel happy? The hurting… doesn’t stop. But being happy and accepting the hurt aren’t… aren’t the same. How do _I…_?”

And what startles her more than anything is Pearl’s answer, because it is not anything that Pearl usually is—dignified, gentle—but rough and unexpected and all Volley can do is let out a meek little _oh!_ of surprise before the situation is rushing over her like a rushing river.

Pearl is kissing her, hands on one shoulder to turn Volley to face her, the other holding the back of her neck with marble-smooth fingers. A fluttery feeling passes over Volley, eye slipping closed as she takes in the sensation. Adoring. Sudden. Spirited, as if she could taste the very essence of Pearl on her lips, and it’s not what she expected—it’s tentative, second-guessing, demanding and drawn out at the same time. There is nothing like this because this is everything, and Volley doesn’t know what to do with her hands, ends up sliding one down Pearl’s extended arm, the other resting on the smooth fabric of Pearl’s thigh. They are not fusing.

This feels right, and Volley recognizes in herself that she this is what she wants to do without having the words to ask. Is that Pearl’s gift? To read her and bring out what she wants without forcing her to face it?

Realizing that—that feeling of _I want this_ —makes a new emotion spread from her gem, extending to her her fingertips. Soothing, but strangely… powerful. _I want this. I want this._

She wants this, and Pearl is giving it to her, and Volley is taking it. And she doesn’t feel selfish. It feels nice to want something and to get it and to cherish it without fear of consequences.

Even with a hard-light body, her lips are soft as flower petals, and Volley kisses her back with everything she can. For the first time, she understands what is so great about the _future_ when everything she had ever known was bolted to the floor of a home in the past that had been long-since foreclosed.

Abruptly as it had started, Pearl pulls them apart, her face flushed like the color of a warp pad. Uncertain, Volley finds herself grinning, the feeling weird and straining as it changes her expression.

“That was… a good start, for me. To be happy.”

Pearl laughs, the sound breathy and light, and shakes her head as she holds onto Volley’s shoulders.

“You don’t realize it, but you’ve come so far already… Happiness is a _choice_. You’re making choices everyday without realizing it. I wanted to show you—seeing your smile makes me happy, and I wanted to see it, so I did something to make it happen. What makes you happy is what you have to find out, and then you have to chase it. And,” she pauses, fiercely pulling one of Volley’s hands into both of her own and holding it in front of her chest, all of the stars in the universe reflecting in her eyes. “I’ll be here _with_ you every step of the way, okay?”

“I want to do it for you,” she admits, voice wobbly. Her emotions are out of sorts and she doesn’t know why. “I want to be happy _for you_. But what if what I want isn’t enough? It wasn’t enough for her, and I felt so empty without her—I couldn’t make her happy and it was the one thing I was made to do.”

Pearl’s smile is different, softer, sadder than Volley is used to. A hand cradles her face, sweeps the length of her cheekbones, and she leans into the feeling. It’s warm, even if her hard-light body is cold. “I’ve been there… but you have to try to live for yourself. It would be the thing that makes me happier than anything, to know that you live the life you have because _you_ want it.”

“I’m…” tears prick her eyes before she can stop herself, and Volley nuzzles into Pearl’s hand, chasing the comfort. “I want to try. I’ll try.”

This time, Pearl sits and waits, listening, leaving the choice for what to do or say next to her. Volley can tell it is intentional because Pearl always has something to say or suggest, but she wants her to find the solution to her tears on her own, and it is difficult to sort through her feelings of admiration and confusion, but she eventually follows the sweep of pale skin from the hand holding her back to her lips.

“I really want to kiss you again.”

“Then do it,” she answers with a smile that is so pretty it hurts, but Volley can’t help but smile too.

Carefully, she leans forward this time, scooting nearer and hands stiff on Pearl’s shoulders. Her face is focused, intent as she stares at Pearl’s lips. It takes her a moment to realize that Pearl is blushing, and it is a wonderful feeling to realize it is because of her. 

She can do things. There are choices she can make that are her own. 

Her own kiss is much different than Pearls. She doesn’t even really know what she’s doing, just that this feels good, and right, to have her hands held and to find hope in someone who has lived through some of what she has, to see how far she has come. Her lips taste like the salt of the water, perhaps an effect of living by the sea for so long, but sweet, too. A contradiction, perfectly complementing, dizzying her and clouding her sense of reason.

Volley doesn’t understand her, doesn’t even understand _herself_ anymore—Pearl is so strange and so wonderful, an amalgam of so many universes she can hardly imagine they could exist at all, and more than that… that all of them could exist in one person.

“You’re incredible,” Pearl whispers, as they break apart and it makes Volley jump a bit. “You’re so… you’ve been through so much, and to still be so sweet beneath it all… it feels impossible, that you managed to hold onto your identity after what White did to you, and…”

Unable to help herself, Volley rushes forward and holds Pearl tight again, overwhelmed—how could she say those things about her? Pearl is the one between them who is amazing, talented, thoughtful, kind, clever—she is just what is left after two Diamonds didn’t want her.

The entire night has been incident after incident of not being able to hold herself back, and it is so strange for Volley, but when her skin starts to glow and her gem tingles, she doesn’t shy away from fusing, she _wants_ to fuse, wants to be with Pearl all the time. Loving herself as a fusion is so strange, so intense, it’s like Pearl kisses her scars until she forgets that anything that ever even happened to her. She ceases to exist in the more wonderful way possible, because she is something better than herself. 

Mega Pearl sits over the edge of Obsidian's palm, looking down at their hands, a bit surprised but not disappointed. She feels like this is where she had always belonged, how could she has been so silly as to think otherwise? That she was ever better apart, when she was everything she could ever want together?

Mega Pearl holds herself in her arms. She breathes in for five seconds, and out for five more.

_I’ll promise to live for me._

_But while I’m learning, in the meantime, let me live for you too._

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday e350tb, thanks for being in my life. ♡


End file.
